Thank you, California, for helping pay for our roads. But please, stop taking our water, and stop sending us your rejects.

Sorry, I had to. Hopefully, you’ll find it funny.

And now what do we get? We’re the ****ing Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we ****ing founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bull**** about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the ****ing sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were ****ing blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the ****ing monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the **** out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and ****ing Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those ****ing stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for ****ing blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their ****ing Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this ****, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years” dickheads. **** off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being ****ing arrogant? What’s more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don’t think so. Arrogance is the ****ing cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn’t be so ****ing arrogant if I wasn’t paying for your ****ing bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your ****ing Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you’re the ones who built on a ****ing swamp. “Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a ****hole,” we said, but you had to have your ****ing orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, “It’s your money, not the government’s money” is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal ****ing dollars and pay the least… can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, mother****er, they’re red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s ****ing our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own ****ing stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a ****ing minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you ****ing Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s ****ing Massachusetts, the ****ing center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the ****ing nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are ****ing blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to ****ing guess? 10 of the top 10 are ****ing red-ass we’re-so-****ing-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its ****ing part.

But two guys making out is going to ****ing ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that’s ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we ****ing get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we’re fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you’re ****ing towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that’s a workable formula. Maybe us ****ing Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you’re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the ****ing Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is ****ing over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bull**** and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can’t have your ****ing convention in New York next time. **** off.